I tried to keep myself out the last entry as much as possible. Today wasn't for me. Today was for showing respect for the family and for the event.

But this blog is for me, so this entry will be about me. As much as possible.

The last entry was a logical, happy, touchy-feely post about how its all ok. But you know what? It's really not ok. There's a part of me that rages against this. Maybe this post will attract a number of "death is a natural part of life" comments, but I don't agree with that. It isn't natural for people to die. It's what happens to us, but it isn't right. And it certainly is right for a 20 year old.

This weekend has been difficult, and has had us all on edge. Thursday night, I get the news in the previous entry. Friday, I have a long talk with my folks about some stuff going on with me. It was a good talk, but it was intense for me, and draining.

So, yesterday morning, I get a text from a friend saying she is in the hospital with her father. She also says in the text that she wants me to know how important I and my friendship are to her. When I first read it, I assumed she meant she was the one in the hospital. (She has Type 1 diabetes, and stress can bring on a severe swing in her insulin level. She could die from that.) And, then, with her statement about wanting me to know how important I was to her, I completely freaked, thinking maybe she was dying.

She and I haven't done much lately, since her boyfriend popped into the picture. So I was really touched when she sent that text. And then, freaked beyond beleif. I collapsed in bed and sobbed for a good 10 to 15 minutes until I realized I might have misread it, and could call people who would know. So, I proceeded to leave shakey messages on about a bajillion or 3 voicemails and send a text to her asking for some clarification.

After a while, I get a text back from her saying it is her father in the hospital, with some heart trouble (serious if left unattended, but fixable since they caught it soon). I wasn't happy her father was in the hospital (He also has type 1 diabetes, which complicates everything) but I was releived to hear my friend wasn't dying.

I cried for a little bit more, relieved. I realize she sent the text because of with her father in the hospital and the funeral we'd both be attending today, her thoughts must have been along the same lines as mine: life is precious and can change in the blink of an eye. And that we shouldn't wait for it to change to assure the people in our lives that we care about them.

I'm sometimes afraid of intruding in people's lives, especially in situations like today. But I did "intrude" on Friday after I heard the news about B. I called her sister (I wanted to hang back with a text or call later, but was encouraged to go with a phone call) and left a messaging saying I loved her and was so sorry and if she need a shoulder, I was here. I found out today she was very touched by my call and told another of her sisters that with newer friends, its hard to know what to say or how much to say, how much greif to share, but that that call brought us closer. I was touched by that, and was glad that my call could help, in whatever capacity.

I'm starting to ramble, I think. But my point is another cliche. Life is fragile and can change so quickly. Today has shown me where my priorities are. Yes, the school stuff has to get figured out. Yes, I will have to start getting internship and job things organized. But I have my family and I have my friends (which is pretty much the same thing to me, at this point) and I consider myself so blessed. Where I lack on the business end of life, I am more than fulfilled in the parts that will matter most in years to come. I am so grateful for you all, my dear ones.