i sat with my back against the wall, my legs bent in front of me, feet flat on the floor. it was someone's basement, or living room. it was well lit, and the wall behind us was blue. in the sunlight, we weren't alone. the noise of conversations around us made the sunlight even brighter.

some people sat on the bed in the room, some sat on the floor with us. it was all laughter. the shared affection was palpable.

you sat down next to me, grinning, laughing with the rest, droping beside me, falling so close that you tumbled into my lap, between my legs. you then crawled across me, my hand trailing your back. i smiled as you finally settled on the other side of me, sitting so close i could feel the warmth of your leg next to mine.

we slid down the wall, laughing about something, about nothing, until just our heads were propped up. you pat my knee and i rest my head on your shoulder and link my arm around yours. i am the happinest i've been in a while, but i know it won't last, because i know i'm just another smile in the room that you happen to sit next to. i think i fall asleep then because all of a sudden

i'm swimming with the family of another friend. we are all under water and her mother is pretending to be a shark and her brother is escaping and the father swims away, depressed.

the water is murky and slate-blue. my chest starts to feel tight and i search for the light to guide me out. but i can't tell which way is up.

i stop for a moment, to let my body orient and start to float to the surface, but i don't move. i swim towards some light, but my chest is getting tighter and i taste bitter water leaking into my mouth. this isn't up, i think, and i swim towards another light. i take a breath under water and i'm

outside with friends. i'd found an old pet, nestled in a box, still alive after being gone for years. it is a small bird and we are setting her free. we are talking about clothing and one friend tells me i'm known for being poorly dressed as she wears a wreath of red flowers. her dress is white and mine is courderoy and i don't fit.

i sit down again and am swimming again and i still don't know which way is up.